Being worried about money is taking a toll on your mind & body. Here’s why (and how) you need to take control of your financial stress now!
It’s that time again, and you’d rather be doing anything else (and I do mean anything) than paying bills! Do you feel like this? Every month, the same dread, and the same thoughts go through your brain… “How did we get here?”
Have you asked yourself something similar? You’re smart, driven, and so is your spouse. Yes, you may splurge on something now and then, but nothing crazy, you’re pretty responsible! So why are the bills piling up? Why does dealing with our finances make us feel so anxious?
Why do we feel like we failed?
Maybe you feel differently? In fact, you may have so many feelings, and it’s hard to pinpoint and put a name to it. Yet only when we name it and see it clearly can we work to move through it. So let’s do the hard work together and label your feelings about financial stress! I talked with Moms about their feelings around money, specifically debt. Maybe their insight given below can help you start the process of clarifying your own feelings. So you too can work towards moving past this roadblock.
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Who’s facing the weight of financial stress and anxiety?
Stressing out over money and beating ourselves up isn’t doing us any good. You know that, right? But before we can move through this phase (and it is a phase), we need to recognize and acknowledge what we’re feeling! Please notice that I said, “we.” It’s an “us” thing because this absolutely isn’t a “you” thing. So many women and families struggle with the weight of their debt.
The American debt situation is indeed bleak, and according to this research, 41.2% of American households carry credit card debt. They continue to say, “The mean credit card debt of U.S. households is approximately $5,700, according to most recent data from the Survey of Consumer Finances by the U.S. Federal Reserve. This information comes from data collected up through to the year 2013, and represents the most reliable measure of credit card indebtedness in the United States.”
So there’s proof, you’re not alone by being in debt. You are in good company, as we are in this together!
What being in debt feels like to us Moms
As I said above, I talked to Moms about how their debt makes them feel, all over a very official medium, Facebook :). People tend to be very blunt on the internet, so I take their feelings and emotions about their financial stress to be entirely authentic and a bit raw.
I’m going to give it to you unfiltered, not softened, or sugar-coated. Because this is real life, this is what being in debt feels like…
- feeling that I’ll never be able to pay it off
- feelings of scarcity
- my body gets sick from the stress levels
- making me desperate in other areas. i.e., take any job, cut any expense, even things that we need
- anxious & ashamed
- failure and shame
- struggle with being present in life, always thinking about their debt to the point of distraction
- compulsively check account balances. Is there enough money to cover it all?
- ignore it, as it wears you down to think about it
- loss of control
- being stuck
- muscle tension & pain due to high-stress levels
- anxiety because they don’t know what spouse will buy next
- it feels like we’re drowning in our debt
- get buys remorse even for buy things we need
- always chasing the debt, a cycle
- the feeling of going deeper into a hole
Could you identify with any of these Moms? I know I sure can! Let’s get personal here, as even though my husband and I have dumped our credit card debt, we do still have a mortgage. When we were at our deepest debt, I can remember that I would check our account balances almost every day. I would imagine myself in old age, living in poverty. Fearing we would always be stuck, always be broke. I feared that nothing would ever change. That was my version of financial stress.
You may be wondering why I am sharing this, as our feelings are personal? There’s a lot of stigmas that come with debt, so we don’t talk about it openly. Which only reinforces that it’s something to feel ashamed about. Talking about it openly and honestly can help you walk through your own thought process, making things clearer for yourself. And you could be helping others by letting them see that others struggle too.
Life shouldn’t all be IG worthy; life shouldn’t be just a well-curated feed of beautiful hair and brunch photos. We don’t make connections that way; we make connections when we feel other’s pain, see their struggles, and watch them overcome. Then we too can help them live that joy, slowly coming to realize that there’s hope for us too! …Why not me? This is what you should be asking yourself!
What I want is for you to read the feelings above and think, “OMG, this is me! This is how I FEEL!” and then letting the realization sink in that you are not alone! There is nothing “wrong” with you! You aren’t dumb; you’re not cursed. What you are in, is a crappy situation!
How do we get rid of our financial stress?
There were a lot of Moms that repeated the above comments, and a few feelings got a lot of agreements and “OMG me too!” responses. Yet, there was only one response that wasn’t echoed by others. One single person said that they never felt bad about their debt, as they have always had a plan to pay it off.
What? Yup. She had a plan, so she didn’t feel bad.
I am sure this person still felt some sort of other feelings about their debt. Yet this is the response she chose. (oohhhhhh, did you catch that? She chose her feelings! SHE CHOSE!) She wasn’t stressed about her money situation at all (so it seemed).
You can call B.S. if you want, but those of you that have taken control of your thoughts and mindset in other areas of your life know that this is hard to do, yet so powerful! Your money mindset is particularly powerful, don’t dismiss it as being too woo-woo (I made that mistake too!).
Yes, feel all the feels, wallow for a little bit, and then pull yourself up, tell your debt to take a flying leap (or insert curse word of choice) and then get to work building your own action plan!
The way to move past your anger, fear, and anxiety will be to take control and make a plan of action, and then to choose how you feel about it! I’m not saying that you have to feel good about it, or even ambivalent. Your darker emotions may pop up every now and then (that’s normal). But you know that you already have the mental and emotional tools to pull yourself up out of the negative place that you’re in.
One of the best ways to figure out how to reach your end goal is to reverse engineer the steps. It’s kind of like drawing a roadmap of exactly how to get to where you want to be. Be specific, be detailed; ask yourself “how” a bunch of times to achieve your big goals!
To pay off my Visa card by 2021, I need an extra $532 a month for it. In order to get that $532 a month I need to cut out the gym membership, I need to have two garage sales (a spring and a fall one), I need to DIY Chrismas presents, and I need to cut getting my nails done, and my hubs need to nix cable. To do this, I need to look into getting just Hulu, go through the garage and the attic for sellable items, call the gym to cancel and get on Pinterest for cute DIY crafts. Done. There’s your plan. (of course, I do realize this is a very simplistic plan, but you get the idea).
People have a love/hate relationship with budgeting in the beginning. I hope you will take the stance that budgeting is a tool that will make your dreams a reality!
How to overcome your financial worries
We talked about the number one way to overcome your financial stress a moment ago, but there are other things that you can do to help you feel better about it and help you move through the tough times faster.
- Go for a run & get your heart rate up! Get all that nervous energy out of your body!
- Start taking small steps to learn more about what you are fearful of, as learning about something demystifies it. Listening to podcasts is one of the easiest ways to start!
- Talk to like-minded people, share concerns, and hear their stories; someone is probably a few steps ahead of you on their journey, they may have tips or can empathize and help you feel heard, understood, and validated. Find some great Facebook groups to be a part of!
- Be proud of your steps forward, no matter how small, they all add up to help get you to where you want to be! Sometimes you need not only be proud but to celebrate as well! Pay off a credit card? Have a living room dance party, get a cupcake, journal your feelings of pride to help the moment sink in, and be real!
What happens if you don’t deal with your financial stress?
Maybe you’re in a place where you just can’t face your situation. That’s fine, acknowledge that you can’t (for right now), yet make a promise to yourself that you will come back to it in one week or one month. And we know by now that the promises we make to ourselves are the most important!
We can’t let ourselves be stressed and worried about our finances for too long though. A mom mentioned above that she gets sick from the stress. But what does that mean, and how does it show up?
Stress in the moment of threat
The Mayo Clinic has done an excellent job of explaining the effects of stress on your body. When you feel stressed, “Through a combination of nerve and hormonal signals, this system prompts your adrenal glands, located atop your kidneys, to release a surge of hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol… Adrenaline increases your heart rate, elevates your blood pressure, and boosts energy supplies. Cortisol, the primary stress hormone, increases sugars in the bloodstream, enhances your brain’s use of glucose and increases the availability of substances that repair tissues. Cortisol also curbs functions that would be nonessential or detrimental in a fight-or-flight situation. It alters immune system responses and suppresses the digestive system, the reproductive system, and growth processes.” This is called the fight or flight response.
Once the perceived threat has passed, your body returns these hormone levels back to normal.
But when stressors are always present, and you constantly feel under attack, that fight-or-flight reaction stays turned on.
“The long-term activation of the stress-response system and the overexposure to cortisol and other stress hormones that follow can disrupt almost all your body’s processes. This puts you at an increased risk of many health problems.”
Prolonged stress effect on our lives
Helpguide did a fantastic job of breaking down what prolonged stress looks, feels like and how it presents itself in our lives (this isn’t specific to just financial stress though).
- Memory problems
- Inability to concentrate
- Poor judgment
- Seeing only the negative
- Anxious or racing thoughts
- Constant worrying
- Depression or general unhappiness
- Anxiety and agitation
- Moodiness, irritability, or anger
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Loneliness and isolation
- Other mental or emotional health problems
- Aches and pains
- Diarrhea or constipation
- Nausea, dizziness
- Chest pain, rapid heart rate
- Loss of sex drive
- Frequent colds or flu
- Eating more or less
- Sleeping too much or too little
- Withdrawing from others
- Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities
- Using alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to relax
- Nervous habits (e.g., nail-biting, pacing)
If you can identify and relate to any of the symptoms mentioned above, then take heart. Knowledge is power! If you were watching T.V. in the ’80s, you might remember NBC’s “The More You Know” PSA campaign. When you learn about something and understand it better, you can then take action on it!
At the end of the day
Mama, don’t feel bad about your situation, but don’t be complacent either! We can’t change our past; we can only move forward from today!
You can choose to take a new emotional path, it’s not easy (it will take practice and patience), but it will absolutely help you!
Again, making a plan won’t completely get rid of your negative feelings and emotions, but what it will do is give you a sense of control. You need to find healthy ways to help alleviate your stress levels. Going through life in fear, anger, pain, and shame is no way to live. I want better for you! I hope that you want it too, bad enough to fight for it!
Debt and the overarching financial stress shouldn’t define your happiness (or lack thereof)!
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